Dear Olivia and Estella,
This has been on my mind, and I want to share it with you.
Falling down 19 stairs – our lives changed forever
Our lives changed on Friday 12.12.15 for ever. Olivia you were 12 years old, and I had been to your graduation at primary school in the morning of that day. We were excited that you were going to be starting high school. I still have the photos of that day. Estella you were in year 4, 10 years of age.
Your Dad and I hadn’t been separated for long, and I acknowledge you had been through a lot. You were having a weekend visit with your dad, and I went to my work Xmas party that evening. When one of work colleagues drove me home later that evening, I had an accident. An unwitnessed fall down the 19 stairs inside our home. I was not discovered until 6pm the next evening by my friends who lived around the corner. Thankfully, I had made dinner arrangement with them for Saturday night and when I didn’t return their calls or messages, they both knew something was wrong. They came around to the house to check. It was unlike me to be silent. They saw me through the glass the stained glass window at the bottom of the stairs. Jim and Mandy called the ambulance. Due to the seriousness of my condition, the paramedic called a helicopter, and I was flown to hospital. It was unknown whether or I would live or die. I am told that the police turned up at your dad’s place in Glenbrook and told you of the accident.
After falling down the stairs, I spent 20 hours of lying unconscious and hypothermic in a pool of my own blood. I am not sure I would have lasted much longer. I am relieved that it was not one of you that found me.
3 weeks on life support
I spent 3 weeks on life support, my family from Aotearoa (land of the long white cloud) were called. Someone was always with me. They took it in shifts. They prepared for the worst. My family was told if Fiona survives this it would ’take a miracle’
After the operations, that needed to occur to relieve the pressure on brain, part of my skull was missing, my face was swollen and bruised. It wasn’t the kind of Xmas that anyone had imagined. I have no memory of this, and I know friends told me, it was confronting. I can only imagine what it was like for you.
Back to basics learning to swallow, talk and walk again – work hard is what I did
I did open my eyes and then I was moved to Westmead rehabilitation hospital. It was back to basics learning to swallow, talk and walk again. It was intense, but I looked forward to seeing you both. You brightened those dark days with your news and smiles. I had other visitors too. I especially remember the homemade ice cream that a friend brought for me. I had lots of visits from my work colleagues. At that time the health sector where I had worked was transiting to electronic records. I remember being annoyed that I had missed out on this training. You see I had always worked, and the work ethic had been drummed into me at an early age. I believed the only way to get ahead was to work and work hard is what I did.
I was discharged from hospital on the 1st April at my insistence. An interesting coincidence is the 1st April the day my mother (Colleen) had died many years ago. Unfortunately, Colleen did not have the chance to meet you both. She would have been so proud. Colleen left the world to early, but I remember she played the piano so beautifully was kind and always wanted the best for her 3 children.
I desperately wanted to get back to the life I had
I was unaware of what having a severe traumatic brain injury meant for me and you both.
I was to be referred to the community brain injury team and the transitional living team for follow up. I once was a health professional and now my role had” changed to one of ‘patient,client,service user and traumatic brain injury survivor’ .
The pathway moving forward was not clear. I desperately wanted to get back to the life I had, working in a career that I loved. My manager where I was working at the time of the accident had a legal obligation to inform the Australian Registration Practitioner Regulation Agency (APHRA) about my accident. APHRA referred me to a neurologist for a second opinion. Her report indicated that I would never be able to return to my career as an Occupational Therapist. I was 49 years old, a single parent with a house with a big mortgage. What I didn’t know was I was effectively now ‘retired from the career that I once loved and supported us financially. I didn’t believe it and sought second opinions and tried to unsuccessfully work in other not related occupational therapy roles.
Health gave me a job filing. This itself was a red flag. My mood dropped and I had the most awful case of self-pity. My change in status was confronting and depressing. My life that I once had, was no more. I was alive but I was and was becoming aware of just how much my life had changed.
I had to move back to Aotearoa for family support
Although I had been married to your dad, had two Australian born 2 born daughters and worked for NSW Health for 20 years, I was not an Australian citizen. I arrived just after the cut off to obtain any entitlements. I was unable to obtain any Centrelink benefits or services after my accident. I therefore had to move back to Aotearoa for family support in November 2016
I want you to know this was the hardest decision I have never had to make. I cried and cried, and you were both in my thoughts the whole time in New Zealand. I really let you down and I am deeply sorry. I didn’t have a lot of options but know that I was devastated.
You both went to live with your dad moving from Glenbrook to Valley Heights, so you could attend school.
While, in the land of the white cloud I attended more rehabilitation and obtained the independent living allowance. My case manager at Work and Income (Centrelink) told me that there was a reciprocal relationship with Australia where New Zealand would pay half and Australia would pay the other half of my pension. YIPPEE, I was going to be reunited with you both. In February 2018, I returned to Australia into a rental accommodation. During this time, I claimed for early release of my super which was accepted and went about selling our home in Springwood. I also put in a claim to Centrelink for the disability support pension (DSP) and it was declined twice. The next step was to attend the Administrative Appeals Tribunal. The outcome of this appeal was that the judge of this court found in favor of Centrelink. I was not eligible for the DSP.
This was soul destroying and I desperately wanted return to the world I knew. I could not. I went to Legal Aide who advised to put in another application, and it was accepted and Centrelink had to back pay me. This occurred on the 20/03/18.
My best achievements in life are the beautiful caring young women you have become
Incidental learning from my accident taught me my best achievements in life are the beautiful caring young women you have become. I like to think I had a small part it that. We all have battle scars. I love to listen to the music you have introduced me to Olivia, Vegyn “The road to hell is paved with good intensions” and Estella ‘, Ariana Grande’.
There is no passport for life. It’s okay to make mistakes, I have made a few. Solutions do not come in bottles or are there magic pills to fix things up. Some things can be repaired some can’t. Often, its one day at a time. Grief is not a linear process. People don’t know or understand what a severe traumatic brain injury is. Acceptance comes and goes. This is the life I have now and must make the most of it. I refer to Alexa Leary, Australian Paralympic swimmer who two gold medals and a silver at the 2024 Paris Paralympics. It’s good to have role models
I have adjusted my expectations, done what I can. I have an invisible injury.
I must push through and acknowledge the ups and downs that life deals me. It hard to know what card to play at any given time. I must practice, practice and do the best that I can. I refer to the serenity prayer when I question the meaning of life and existence. I have adjusted my expectations, done what I can. I have an invisible injury that people can’t see. People talk about concussions but not acquired severe traumatic brain injuries. People always ask, ‘how did it happen”. They assume car accidents, assaults or a workplace accident. I reply’ I had an unwitnessed fall 19 stairs and nearly died. That usually ends the conversation.
I am not a disability – I am still your MUM
I will finish by saying I am not a disability. I am still your MUM and love you both unconditionally. When we are together, I don’t feel invisible.
Love Mum xx
